Partner's criticism chipping away at your self-esteem? Explore how to handle a critical partner & strengthen your relationship in 2024 with proven methods.

Have you ever been in a situation where your partner criticized something you did or said?

Or is it the other way around? Have you ever struggled to express your thoughts and needs? Did it lead you to criticize your partner?

At ForwardUs Counseling, we specialize in conflict and communication therapy for couples. This is a common issue in relationship dynamics.

Constructive vs. Destructive Criticism

Note: Not all criticism is negative. Constructive criticism identifies areas requiring improvement and fosters personal growth. It’s about the tools and strategies used to express a partner's emotional need.

We need to distinguish constructive criticism from destructive criticism.

Constant criticism of a partner hinders communication.

It can harm the relationship, causing defensiveness, resentment, and disconnection.

Dr. John and Julie Gottman,(esteemed marriage and family researchers), conducted a study where they could determine which determine if what couples would stay together divorce in a matter of five minutes.

Their research revealed they were able to predict the results with 90% accuracy based on four communication types with the biggest indicator being the presence of criticism.

The silver-lining is efforts to identifying and addressing concerns, making room for understanding and improvement are helpful.

Together, we'll explore the inner workings of critical behavior, what it looks like, why it happens, its impact on relationships, and how to deal with criticism in relationships.

What Does Critical Behavior Look Like?

A critical spouse often fixates on nitpicking and flaws. They make condescending corrections to their partner. This is not the same as a critique or a complaint. Critical behavior focuses on a partner's flaws, not on helpful information. It can be intentional or not.

Extreme criticism can feel like a personal attack and may make a partner resent the critic. Additionally, criticism provokes defensiveness, hindering constructive dialogue and fueling relationship conflicts.

*Take the couple Kristine and Shawn.

They have an argument about attending a Christmas party at Shawn's workplace. It's an annual event, and Shawn is looking forward to it.

When Kristine told Shawn she couldn't attend, he criticized her. He accused her of never caring about his work events.

Feeling attacked, Kristine defends herself. She feels it is unfair to blame her for not being able to attend.

Shawn's criticism of his wife shut down communication.

It led to Kristine feeling defensive.

If only they had the tools to communicate their feelings constructively and effectively.

They could have approached the conversation with the understanding that Shawn wasn't worried about the event.

He wanted to feel supported at work and Kristine's presence mattered to him.

Understanding and communicating these underlying emotional needs could have created a more constructive conversation between them.

Why Is My Partner Critical?

Now that we've identified critical behavior, let’s discuss ways to deal with it. Before that, we need to explore its source.

You might think to yourself, "My partner can be so sweet, where does the critical behavior come from?"

People become harsh critics in partnerships for various reasons.

The most common reasons are insecurity or a fear of being inadequate. Critical people tend to overthink, jump to conclusions, and imagine the worst.

*Take another couple, Emily and Michael.

Emily has always pride herself on being punctual and efficient. She would describe herself as the type of person who can pack a bag for a week-long vacation 20 minutes before departing for the trip.

When Emily switched jobs, she didn't have a lot of time to herself.

Michael suggested scheduling a date night for the couple to reconnect.

Emily was looking forward to their date the entire week, but ran late due to an unexpected work meeting. She came home and told Michael she would be ready shortly, but his response felt like a jab, "Another delay? You're turning into your mother."

Drowning in stress from work and feeling unfairly judged, Emily begrudgingly decided to take her time getting ready, solidifying Michael's initial frustration and turning a minor inconvenience into a self-fulfilling prophecy fueled by resentment.

If only they were more patient with each other and had the tools to communicate their thoughts differently.

Michael might have sympathized with how difficult it's been for his wife to have a work-life balance.

Emily might have sensed Michael was feeling neglected, feeling she valued work more than her husband.

Michael's feelings of insecurity prompted him to act on his thoughts and deliver an off-handed comment that hurt Emily and escalated the situation.

7 Effective Ways To Handle An Overly Critical Spouse

Relationships dynamics are complex.

Dealing with a highly critical spouse can make a relationship more challenging.

Bottling up your own feelings could feel like a shaken soda bottle. Over time, all it takes is one argument to pop the cap before the resentment comes pouring out.

We share seven effective ways of handling extremely critical partners with my clients, and it works with other relationship types including family, friends, and colleagues.

Let's explore more:

1. Understand The Root Cause

This is no way intended to place blame or responsibility on the recipient of critical behavior; rather to gain insight and perspective into your partner's inner workings. Criticism often stems from deeper issues.

Consider, have they always behaved critically?
When did the criticisms start?
Are there any triggers or catalysts you can recall?

Every behavior has its underlying emotional need.

Possible considerations include, lack of awareness of insecurities developed.

Development of defense mechanism in response to an old traumatic experience, whether they are aware of it or not. Conflict and communication tools provide guidance, and support to help couples develop conflict resolution skills and the ability to approach situations with empathy.

2. Communicate Effectively

When couples are advised by non-professionals and simply comment "just communicate with your partner". The key missing component is communicate effectively and with the appropriate tools for the couples needs and goals.

Imagine: You text your partner, asking if they want to meet up, and they respond with "K."

A simple text, a singular letter, may be misinterpreted and dismissed leaving a partner possibly feeling confused and frustrated, asking “what does it mean?” is it an enthusiastic "K" or an "ugh, okay whatever"?

It makes you wish there was another clue in there so you'd get a better idea of your partners emotional state and intentions.

This emphasizes that communication isn't merely about speaking openly; it also involves understanding and comprehension. The way you express yourself to your partner can change how they receive your message.

When attempting to use our words more wisely, utilize "I" statements when expressing how your critical partner makes you feel without sounding accusatory.

For example, stating "you always criticize me” has the possibility of sounding confrontational and accusatory instead try "I feel hurt when you criticize my actions.”

Focusing on your partner’s behavior without specifying the issue has the potential to lead to miscommunication. Instead, saying "I feel hurt when you criticize my actions" focuses on your feelings and clarifies the problem.

It encourages understanding and a constructive conversation.

3. Set Boundaries

After your heartfelt conversation, you may have come to the realization your partner has certain triggers. Empathy and understanding is important for the mutual growth of a relationship.

Does that excuse their critical behavior?

Absolutely not.

It is important to to establish setting boundaries in your relationship.

An example may sound like, "We need to communicate respectfully and avoid personal attacks.” Boundaries are important for setting the tone for how you want to be treated. The serve as a guide for your partner have more positive communications patterns.

When boundaries are respected, they have the ability to reduce conflict and create more balance in relationships.

It’s not about stopping the act of criticism —it’s about creating a relationship where both of you can feel understood and be heard.

4. Seek To Understand Their Perspective

From what we've gathered from both couples scenarios, attempting to see things from your partner's viewpoint is an important skill to develop. They might have valid points that you haven't considered.

Consider these prompts when reflecting.

“I may behave this way because ______.”
“It’s a strategy to consider your actions and provide insight into your motivations.
“It’s important to remember, your partner also has their motivations as well as reasons too.
5. Practice Self-Care & Build Self Esteem

Dealing with constant criticism can take a toll on your self-esteem and emotional well-being and in many instances is considered emotional abuse.

The ability to seek support build self-esteem are vital when facing constant criticism, is crucial when dealing with a partner who is emotionally abusive. It is important to prioritize your well being and create space for yourself by nurturing your self-worth and engaging in activities that help you regain resilience and strength.

6. Encourage Positive Reinforcement

Discuss with your partner about adopting a more positive approach. You can begin with expressing your appreciation when they offer praise or constructive criticism.

Doing so shifts the focus from criticism to encouragement.

When couples focus on addressing issues constructively, it can make a real difference and create change. This approach can be especially helpful if words of affirmation and appreciation resonate with you.

7. Consider Professional Support

Hi, I’m Evon,

Struggling with criticism in your relationship? You're not alone. At ForwardUs Counseling, we can help you improve communication, set boundaries, and better understand each other.

Let’s work together to build a healthier, more connected relationship. Click below to schedule your session. There is no one size fits all approach to mending relationships, when given the right tools and techniques, we can find one that ultimately works for you. Contact us today for your complimentary 15-minute consultation.

Feeling Constantly Criticized? How To Handle A Critical Partner